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Lowcountry Bulldog Club |
written by Dr. Dawg |
Since 1982 |
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Bubba Ray's Hunker Down Dawg Report |
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THE BELOVED BULLDAWG BUBBA RAY BRIGADE Bubba Ray | Charlene
Bootsie | Donnie Ray | Johnnie
Ray | Lonnie Ray DINGED, DANGED, DADGUM VARMITS Cuzzin’ Lucius “Gater”
Bates | Sheriff “Ish” Stan
Bull
Charlene Bootsie- Bubba Ray’s darlin’ wife. Keeps Bubba Ray full a fried chicken, Pabst Blue Ribbon and Jimmy Beam. Her orange dyed beehive “Doo” sometimes causes confusion among the Red & Black faithful. Donnie Ray- Bubba Ray’s and Charlene Bootsie’s oldest boy. At age 23, Donnie Ray is the tallest boy in his 8th grade class. Holds the world record on changin’ the oil in a Ford F-150 at 3 minutes, 46 seconds. Johnnie
Ray – next oldest boy. Bonnie Sue & Connie Sue – the twins, the family pride and joy. They know all their numbers, can cipher, know the entire alphabet, the capital a Georgia, Vince Dooley’s birthday, and can hum ever dang one a Elvis’ hits. Eunice Wylene- Charlene Bootsie’s beloved Mama, which makes her Bubba Ray’s dear Mama-in-law. Jest barely tolerates Bubba Ray, and can’t stand Bubba Ray’s bestest friend, Skeeter Doorock. Pays the premium on Bubba Ray’s $750 life insurance policy. Skeeter Doorock- Bubba Ray’s lifetime and bestest Bulldawg Buddy. Works fer the Georgia D.O.T. holdin’ the “STOP” sign. Messes with this toes and loves Jimmy Beam and RC. Can pluck a Road Island Red in 58 seconds. Toole Shedd- lives in a cave in the Nawth Georgia mountins with the Georgia-Ten-Ah-See line goin’ right thru it. Wears a baseball cap with a big “T” on it and knows it stands fer “Toole” and not “Ten-Ah-See.” Loves his best friend, Phoole the Mule. Phoole the Mule-a distant cuzzin’ a Francis the Mule, Phoole provides reliable transport fer Toole Shedd. Phoole has a real nice shed outside a Toole’s cave, and has a velvet print a Mr. Ed on the plywood wall. Has a photo album full a pictures a Trigger. Granpappy “Wish-Me-Die” – Bubba Ray’s dearly departed granpappy. Was the first to introduce Bubba Ray to some mountin hooch one Hallerween and got hisself zapped by a lightnin’ bolt. Always comes back aroun’ Hallerween to visit Bubba Ray and guaran-dang-tee a Gater Whuppin’. Ain’t been overly accurate since 1990. Figerin’ Perry- Kinda intellectual, Perry is always jest a figerin’ and a figerin’. Figers that them Dawgs is gonna win the National Champeenship, and figers Eunice Wylene is gonna kill Skeeter. If’n he likes ya’ he’ll give ya’ a piece a Juicy Fruit. If’n he don’t, he won’t. Vernon “GoFerTwo” Derryberry- Vernon actually finished high school, graduatin’ 123 outta 124 students. Was arrested fer tryin’ to impersonate a K-Mart pharmycist and is in a work release program what allows him to work as a Wal-Mart greeter on Tuesdays and Thursdays if’n his rash ain’t too bad. Pecker Osburn- not as smart as Vernon or as good lookin’ as Skeeter, but comes in real handy if’n it’s time to unload yer smoker or gut a whole hawg. Ain’t uttered a dang word since the 1997 Gater Whuppin’ but occasionally seems to be hummin’ a real slow version a “Dixie”. Lives in a hickry tree on the northwest corner a Bubba Ray’s property. “Touchdown” Rodney Love- Owns a pink 1956 Caddyllac and wears 19 gold chains weighin’ 16 pounds. Has two Red & Black polyester leeshure suits and the gals think he looks jest like Conway Twitty. Really likes Aqua Velva and grape popcicles. “Sports Model” Higginbotham- Swears she’s 27 years old but graduated in the Class of ’67. Wears Red six-inch stilletoes and has been under the knife more than a Thanksgivin’ turkey. Loves the younger fellers and once chunked her 36DD bra on the stage at a Lyle Lovett concert. When her Red & Black bra hit the stage, three Crown Royal miniatures exploded and short circuited the bass guitar. Polly Esther Gwinnett-wants “Sports Model” outta the picture and has had eyes fer Skeeter Doorock since they done met at a Commerce, Georgia Dairy Queen in 1972. It wuz love at first sight when Skeeter asked her to buy him a butterscotch Dip. Carries a Lady Smith & Wesson in her supp hose. Ice & Tread Beulow – the Beulow boys from down aroun’ Valdoster. Ice has the ice business in ever fish camp south a Macon and Tread owns a retread empire. These fellers are real useful in hot weather when ya’ gotta keep yer beer cold and ya’ need a flatbed fer yer 250 bags a shaved ice.
Cuzzin’ Lucius “Gater” Bates – the black sheep a the family, the feller lives in a 1962 Orange & Blue school bus in a strawberry patch on old Highway 301 in Lawtey, Florider. Enjoys smoked mullet and quava jelly, and his aroma gives a whole new meanin’ to the name “pole cat.” Ain’t mastered the alphabet, but knows how to call collect. Sheriff “Ish” Stan Bull- a southeast Georgia sheriff what has been after Bubba Ray and the whole danged Brigade since the Gater Whuppin’ return trip a 1985. Right Reverend Hal E. Looyer- Bubba Ray’s preacher, what has been knowed to stray from the cloth on occasion. Has been caught with his hand in the offerin’ plate. His hero is Brother Love on that Rasslin’ show. Uses more makeup and hairspray than Dolly Parton. His comb over looks like a Osprey nest. Wears Red & Black elevater wingtips with silver shoestrings. Judy Trudy
de la Snooty- a Fulton County debertante
and 1963 Tech grad what has done inherited 62,000 acres upon the
untimely death a her 5th husband, Rudy de la Snooty. Problem is,
the land surrounds Bubba Ray’s piney woods on three sides.
She don’t like Bulldawgs and she don’t like Bubba
Ray. Had Skeeter Doorock arrested fer aggravated
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